How much have I messed my kids up?

I want my children to reason like adults, and this is causing my entire family endless stress. One of them is full of attitude and contempt right now, and trying purposefully to upset me, so that from sun up to sun down, I must be in battle mode to make it through the day. She lobs bombs and shoots gunfire my way, and will sneak in at least a half dozen ambush attacks where she starts a normal conversation or shows a sweetness, only to lure me in before turning the whole scene into a mess of negativity.

And when this happens, I first react calmly. I tell her what she must do and I make her do it. But eventually, I lose it, and I shout. Sometimes I bully her into doing what she should be doing. The next phase is reasoning and explaining, where I tell her my side, then ask her about her side, and try to figure out, or get her to figure out, what her deal is.

None of this works, obviously.

As parents, we're supposed to be calm, inflappable, upholding the rules because they are rules. Not letting emotions in. Not making it a bigger deal than it is. Either put your pants on and go to camp, or don't and stay home. Why isn't it that easy when I'm not typing? One is that I have twins, and I can't just keep punishing one for the other's behavior, but it's more than that. I want them to do the right thing because it's the right thing. I want them to be able to tell when it's wrong and bring good, solid points to the table as to why it should be another way. I want them to feel like their feelings are valid.

I do not want them to call me stupid, throw things at me, or willfully disobey me.

But I've got both.

And what's messing me up is myself. I'm SCARED I'm messing them up. If one is acting out because I'm spoiling her and letting her do what she wants whenever, then I have to crack down.

But if she's acting out because she's craving loving attention from me (and she DOES need a lot of loving attention which she has been foregoing to do this crap), then cracking down on her will only prove to her that I don't love her? But should she need such explicit validation all the time? But if I stop hearing her out, will she decide she's totally unimportant?

How much have I messed my kids up, is the question, to be honest. And what the hell do I do.





 

Kindergarten Kids - On Parenting Books

Problem:

The twin that is usually the more reasonable twin has been acting out in a big way this past week. As always happens after they've been behaved for a stint, the sudden pushbacks, non-stop attitude, and tantrums throw me off-guard and I immediately forget that we just had three months of normalcy. I immediately think, Oh, God. What am I doing wrong.

And with that thought comes the parenting books, with that thought comes the Internet searches. Because I want this to stop and I feel the need to change my behavior to make it stop. I automatically discount growing and learning, and want the torture to cease.

This time around, I chose to look into Calm Parenting. Because I am NOT a calm parent. I do yell. When they're behaving, this is not a big deal. And when they've been misbehaving for a week, it's actually also not a big deal because I've acclimated to the current normal. But during the switch from good behavior to bad, all of a sudden, I'm yelling all the time. Because I'm flustered and don't know what to do, and what the hell is even happening?

And of course, I want to not yell all day.

But, it turns out, calm parenting may not be for me.

Because I simply cannot do it. At least not all in all at once.


Solution:

As with anything, you have to take what you can use and leave the rest.

I absolutely cannot leave my children's lives and decisions in their own hands, allowing them to "discover their authentic selves, all by themselves." I will discipline my kids. The books say this won't allow them to learn to self-discipline, but I disagree. At this age, they CANNOT self-discipline and it is unfair to ask them to do so with no barometer in place. Right now, I'm still them and they're still me in their eyes. Therefore, I am their SELF-discipline. If I am loving and keep the emphasis on the actions not the person, they will learn which behaviors they need to self-monitor at a later time.

These books and articles I've read encourage "not pushing your agenda or ego" on your child, and allowing them full space to live their own lives. At three? That's bordering on cruel to the kid, I think. Talk about confusion. They're not ready! That's why parents are there, no? To help a child mold her internal monologue so that she actually has something to fall back on that has been consistently presented to her. We are the inner core, we are the voice, we are the moral values. To NOT be that is to ask your child to parent herself at a really young age.

There's being empathetic and not bullying and making your child feel heard and respected, but that can all be done within the boundaries we set in our home.

...

And I've got a whole other post planned about the "example dialogues" these pieces present. Oh. My. God. Stop.