Running through mud

It's taken me years to decide I'm a work-at-home mom rather than a stay-at-home-mom, and for me the distinction came with the money (although, honestly, I'm not making a great deal of income right now, so even though it feels full time, it's probably part time, but still...FEELINGS.)

It's tough because nothing ever seems to get done, although I know logically enough must be getting done because we can still walk in my house, my kids still love me, and I still get new projects each week. Still, it feels like I'm running in mud.

Today went like this:

At 6:30 a.m., I got up. I woke up the kids. Started getting them dressed and went out with the dog. One of the twins wasn't feeling well, and decided to stay home but not, of course, without a lot of hand wringing and drama over her decision. We weren't sure if she was actually sick at first, but since she never has faked this stuff before, we went with it, even though she had no fever or outward signs of ill.

I walked the other one to school at 7:30 a.m. and arrived back home just before 8, where I went in to talk to the sick twin and lo and behold, she had to upchuck...something blue? Welp, good decision on the staying home, I guess.

Anyway, after that, I set her up on the couch for just a hot second, after still making her get dressed because I had physical therapy at 9:30 a.m. and guess who had to come with me? But first I took out the trash and recycling and picked up all the dog excrement from the week (he goes in one spot in our yard, so it's, like, fine. Whatever). Then I came in and washed up, made my husband half his breakfast and his lunch, and girly and I got going.

I was at PT for an hour for this ridiculous neck/back injury that I reinjured somehow, I don't even know, but is for real a pain in the ass, and I hate every second of this new literal-pain-in-the-neck life. The PT didn't help, and Lilly was bored, but we got it done.

Back at home at 10:30, I made her some tea she didn't drink and toast she didn't eat. She did have a banana though, so winning. Then I set her up in front of the TV and she watched two Mickey Mouse Playhouses while I edited a piece on the minimum wage hike in LA for Time Ideas.

She wanted to play on her tablet after that, and the Brave game that we left at Nana's in Connecticut. Of course. We compromised and she played a Monsters Inc. game she'd forgotten about while I moved on to editing a piece on opioids in Montana. I ran into a bit of trouble with it, and it took me the rest of the time Dulce was in school to straighten out most of its kinks. This always happens. An edit that should take an hour takes three. My life. I gave Lilly half a turkey sandwich she didn't eat, and some crackers she didn't eat. She eventually had three slices of apple and some juice.

We picked up Dulce, and the girls had a snack which they mostly didn't eat. Then they played on their tablet together, sharing it, and I lay down for 15 minutes because my stupid neck. Got up and continued working on the opioid piece until about 3:30 p.m. when I just said eff it. Now I'm waiting on some return emails.

I sent emails out on three other stories and am waiting on replies. I contracted two new stories (I think. Maybe just one?) and another client followed up on a newsletter I'm supposed to be writing for them, but they didn't really follow up, only kind of. Got an email from my agent.

Great news! They think my new proposal is way, way, like, much stronger, and they're finally ready to send it back to the editor who was interested. Only that editor no longer works at the publisher. Womp womp womp. Of course.

Wrote a fantastic essay on pantsuits for Dame Magazine then, and pegged it to Hil's new pantsuit tee-shirt. That was a mistake, though, because they're full up on content this week, so I'll have to find a new peg in a few weeks and get back to it then.

Girls had moved on to watching TV at that point, and watched some show I hate called "I didn't do it" on Disney Channel for like at least an hour before I had to shut their whiny faces off.

Then we did chores together, the girls and I. Lilly did dishes, Dulce cleaned off the table and I cleaned the kitchen and living room spaces. It is our routine. After that I made them quesadillas for dinner with rice and broccoli as sides, and they ate half or most of it, depending on which twin we're talking about. Dulce had a cookie for dessert but Lil still wasn't feeling that great in her tummy so she skipped it.

My husband came home from work right after we finished going over their homework for the week, and they finished their dinners while I started making ours. Then I made them get ready for bed while they tried to play with dolls and walkie talkies, and glow sticks. My husband and I ate while they played a bit and then I managed to get them into bed. I went to do the dishes and I poured dog food in the soap container because I am utterly on top of things.

All day there were lots of hugs, lots of me breaking up silly fights and stopping silly tantrums, and lots of me getting them juice, gum, a snack, a tissue, some water, some tea, something. Anything. Get them something.

It's G day tomorrow, so we picked out green clothing and got two card games they could bring to school (I hope they don't lose Uno. I actually like that one). Hugs and kisses and I love yous to bed.

I really like this life, I just wish I could get more things done during each day. I was supposed to clean the kitchen and the bedroom and the bathroom today. I was supposed write two more articles than I did. I was supposed to play with my kids more. I was supposed to clean the playroom with them. I was supposed to finish research for my master's thesis.

I ran out of time. I always run out of time. Running through mud. At least I wrote in the blog today?

The Shift from SAHM to WAHM

I've always considered myself a stay at home mom. Yes, I've "worked" on writing and editing, and pumped out a lot of material over the years, but as it wasn't really a paying gig, I prioritized spending time with my children over most of my projects. And my kids got very used to that.

The downside is that they are pretty entitled when it comes to my attention or what I'm doing for them. We spent their first two years here in Florida (2-4) with me taking them out on adventures two to three times a day. Because I could. Because I needed to so we all didn't kill each other. Before they grasped the English language fully "what kind go outside, mama" was a phrase I heard round the clock.

In short, my babies are used to my eyes on them.

And to be honest, right about now, they are totally sick of my bullshit.

Since the explosion of the Washington Post essay (and even a little before that, as I'd been branching out into paid work starting at the beginning of the summer), I haven't been staring dotingly upon them every minute of the day. They're almost six, I figured. They should be able to keep themselves entertained, play with each other, whatever. I mean, I remember growing up. My brother and sister and I freaking had to play together. My parents didn't often engage in our games.

But somehow that feels like a different time?

I am totally feeling some mama guilt right now.

We had a rough day yesterday because I'm trying desperately to catch up in the whole "act like a human being and use words instead of freaking out at every little thing" department. And it's a rough lesson for them. But it's compounded by the fact that I haven't been playing with them hardly at all these past few weeks, which is an abrupt change. My kids don't do well with change. Add to that the constant headaches and neck pain I'm living with due to a herniated disc, and the mid-end of summer vacation where it's 100 degrees every day in Florida so everyone is bored, and we've got a recipe for cranky.

Would it kill me to play with them for a few hours a day? No.

It's just that I'm also not used to the change, not used to constant deadlines for publications in addition to being a supermom (albeit a FAILING supermom).

I vow today to cut them some slack. Not in the crying/whining department, but in the "mama, look at me being an elephant" department. In the "Be the cheerleader while we play pretend volleyball with a balloon" department. In the "I really need to be a better mom" department.

I've always been really good at spinning plates, but this freelance work took me by storm, and my kids aren't plates to spin.

I'll find a balance, I know it. But the transition has not been an easy one.

Here's to today being a better day.