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Thursday, September 17, 2015

Why are we talking about immigration?

If you were lucky enough to miss the debate last night, let me sum it up for you quickly:

BRAGGADOCIOUS

REAGAN

W KEPT US SAFE

HEY, I HEARD YOU SAID MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME, YOU JERK HEAD.

SHUT UP, JAKE TAPPER, I AM NOT FINISHED YET.




Got it? Okay, cool.

During all this blahblahblah, however, the Republicans spent an inordinate amount of time discussing immigration. Like a full half hour almost. And it was cringe worthy.

Yeah, there was the same old talk about the beautiful wall we're going to build around our borders with the fancy doors. And then there was some talk about fingerprinting every single person coming over and keeping an eye on them. I mean, we can't just be trusting them foreigners trying to make a better life for themselves, right? And one of them was like, I don't know, a dome or a force field or something equally ridiculous. And those jerk students and workers for our companies overstaying their damn visas. They are totally out of line, definitely. How dare they contribute to our society and cultural network with the money they earned and are putting back into the system. WE SEE YOU.

I know I'm convinced. I'm packaging up some legos to send to the cause right now.

Anyway, at one point, Donald Trump said (I know, I know, bear with me), that we are the only nation that allows a baby born on our soil to be a citizen, and he went on and on about how we then have to take care of that baby for, like, 85 years. AT LEAST. The horror.

But then, to my surprise, most of the Republicans standing on that stage were like, ya know, Trump's got a good point there. We gotta give that one to Trump. Yup. Babies being born here, and then we carry their asses for nearly a century. Something must be done. Good point, Trumpy.

No.

Nope.

Nooooooo.

First of all, when a child is born in the United States, they are an American citizen. That's kind of like our thing, guys. Yes, we are one of the only nations (if not the only nation) that has this rule. Because IT'S LIKE OUR THING. It is one of the things that makes us amazing. It is one of the few things left that make us amazing. It's a touchstone of our heritage as an immigrant country.

We are a country of immigrants. Can we please keep that in mind?

Second, all those Republicans stood in abject horror as they talked (wrongfully) about Planned Parenthood. They are pro-life. They argued over which one was the mostest pro-life. Dear God, we must take care of the babies! Who is thinking of the poor, defenseless babies? Why are American women so fucking cold-hearted that they'll just kill all the babies who can't even speak for themselves!

Unless they're brown, though, am I right, guys? All those immigrant babies should be born in the ocean to shorten their lifespan so we don't have to take care of their greedy asses.  We love every single baby. Unless we hate that baby because its parents are from another country. Those dicks.

Third, last time I checked, a baby didn't actually stay a baby for 85 years (unless I'm doing this whole parenting thing really, really wrong). And, like, citizens have rights and everything which I know is a total bummer, but in return they work jobs in our country and pay taxes in our country and support services in our country, and basically make the country work.

Like, you know, people.

Babies born on U.S. soil, who are then U.S. citizens, are, in fact, productive, fruitful members of our society who contribute to our national money base and follow the rules set forth by our founders.

They are not wailing, needy, no-go, babies for 85 years.

So.

Actually, that was a really bad, flawed, made-no-sense point and the Republicans who agreed with Trump there should be ashamed of their inability to logic correctly. What even was that.

And finally, lest you forget, Trump is like best buddies with Mexico. And China. They love him so much. He told me. So, at least there's that.





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